


be a stargirl for me

by loeylane



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Angst, Cold Weather, Dark, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss, M/M, Memories, Soulmates, Suicide Notes, Time Skips, like this is really sad ion know why i wrote this, stargirl - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:17:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loeylane/pseuds/loeylane
Summary: i think you are porcupine tie boy, with your collection of sweater vests and cat figurines, and i always wanted to be stargirl but i don’t think i am kind, brave or inhuman enough.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Kim Jungwoo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	be a stargirl for me

**Author's Note:**

> so there are no names in this,, you can make your own assumptions/guesses as to who is who and all that jazz 
> 
> again this is sad and i'm sorry

how long had it been since he had gotten out of bed? it couldn’t have been more than a week, right? the curled september calendar told him differently, but for him, time had stopped that september. he was stuck in this parallel universe in a cold empty bed, eyes draped with dark circles and fingertips cold. the pressure on his chest was yet to let up. the duvet surrounding him only making the suffocating feeling stronger. the tick of the radiator turning his attention to his window. the peeling paint on the pane made him antsy. pulling his eyes from the chips focusing on the frosty haze of the early morning sinking him deeper into his thoughts. 

pictures of them and various mugs littered the side table filling the space beside the ticking clock. the rings of old coffee-stained the porcelain similar to the tears that stained his eyes. using coffee to keep himself awake away from the terror of his dreams but locked into the presence of his thoughts, and those were quite possibly more terrifying than his dreams. but it’s easier to escape conscious thoughts than coerced thoughts your brain provides during dreams. 

he really didn’t like dreaming of him, but seeing him in his own state of unconsciousness was as close as he could be. his mind seemed to fancy dreaming about his lover. for some reason only focusing on the bad parts the parts he didn’t want to remember. not showing him as he was but as he left. the feelings he didn’t want to feel and memories he didn’t want to conjure up always seemed to be bubbling up and out of his chest like cheap champagne. 

that was a memory he loved. 

he had never spent new years with someone, at least someone he felt this strongly about. with friends, family, and colleagues sure but no one he wanted to kiss at midnight while confetti fell on their hair and friends whistled and cheered around them. he wanted the gabriella and troy new years moment in a way. they had just moved in together, renting a cheap studio apartment east of the river. the heating didn’t always work and the water wasn’t warm for long but it was home. 

they hadn’t been dating for maybe 3 months already sharing an intimate space and rent. the ”christmas tree” they set up was a wreath full of ornaments acquired from years of secret santa and stolen from the attics filled with family christmas decor. they strung lights up around their bed and windows. he pouted when some of the bulbs went out. so he went through and fixed each one during his day off. he loved seeing his lover smile. even if it meant plugging and unplugging a string of cheap lights until he found all of the lightless culprits. 

they swore not to buy each other gifts “saving” instead. but both folded and exchanged a gift on the eve. he loved watching the way his eyes shone underneath the lights and candles filling the room. watched his smile widen as he opened the new copy of his favorite book. the thoughtfulness of the gift made his eyes water. the night passed far too quickly the twinkling lights faded too fast. 

soon enough he found himself planning for new years. putting away the christmas tree but leaving the twinkly lights. he remembers how seeing him walk through the apartment door snowflakes in his hair and a brown bag in hand. they stayed up drinking the cheap champagne, singing karaoke, and eating overpriced takeout. 

counting down the strike of twelve. smiles pressed together to ring in the passing of time. he would give anything to hold onto his waist and never let go. 

but memories fade. 

if he could force himself out of this plush hell that would be his accomplishment. today was harder than yesterday despite the desire for water and need to brush the dragon breath from his mouth. he couldn’t force himself even into an upright position. he didn’t even move when he noticed his toes poked from underneath the duvet into the cool air. 

he thought about just laying here and waiting for someone to find him. wondering if he would be one of those horror stories of someone dying in their home and no one noticing for 11 years. mail piling up underneath the door as neighbors go about their existence, some minor news article would come from his calamity. 

he felt like such a paradox laying in his bed unmoving while his brain went faster than a bullet train. spiraling paranoid musings and suicidal ideations filling and emptying from his head like a pitcher of grandma’s lemonade. these feelings were somehow too sour rather than the refreshing sip of sour and sweet from the glass. it felt more like a lemon being squeezed into wounds and he couldn’t stop it. 

he didn’t even know if he was alive. maybe he had died and that’s why he couldn’t tell if his heart was still beating. perhaps his heart was just beating so hard and rapidly when he was here. his heart had stopped when his lovers did. his heart had broken that day beyond mend if he were here he would have stitched him up. he would become the newest needlepoint to finish and he didn’t mind. 

he missed that sound. 

tonight they sat on the couch, a cheap thrift find that they barely fit on but it worked. he sat across from him feet tucked under himself he looked like a small lamb. his fingers worked rapidly following his pattern. the taut fabric being filled with galaxies and constellations. the repetitive pop and drag of the thread slowed the time around them. 

they sat in their own little world in that first apartment. close quarters, cramped legs but falling so deeply in love. somehow he found himself giddy to be smushed next to him on the sofa, to be navigating the cubby of a bathroom, and even cooking for him on a single burner. 

it was hard but for him, it was all worth it. to be close to him. seeing all of his flaws under a microscope made them prettier. made him want him more. he found his bitten nails fascinating, his snore melodic, and lack of preparation endearing. 

but now there weren’t any more nails bitten to the quick. no snores the create symphonies in his ears. no events to under prepare for and pull out hair over. 

he never thought he could miss someone’s flaws but he did. 

it was quiet now. 

his feet were cold when they hit the uneven hardwood. usually, he would have slippers to steal but not anymore. he shuffled across the room finding his way to the bathroom. he stared at the toothbrushes for far too long. attempted not to look at his dreadful appearance in the mirror. 

this bathroom was a dream when they moved in. being able to brush their teeth at the same time without coordinating who spits first. he had decorated. choosing rose gold accents to match the white marble countertop. 

he looked around the room at the small containers holding various items each placed with care and purpose. each towel on the rack hung delicately over the bar, the shelf above neatly stacked towels placed according to size. everything was color coordinated and in its perfect place. he wouldn’t be able to keep it like this with him gone. the trash can in the corner already overflowing and leftover toothpaste smudging the sink. 

he would have called him out for it. 

“why can’t you just wipe it out after it’s not that difficult,” he asked annoyance clear even from the other room. 

“wipe what out?”

“all this toothpaste. it’s all in the sink do you spit like a madman?” he walked in stepping behind him in front of the mirror. 

“i never spit you know that.” 

“not funny. seriously and the towels just put them in the hamper it’s so messy.” he huffed turning rapidly piling the towels into the hamper. 

“sorry, i’ll try to remember.” 

“oh bullshit, you always try to remember and look at this.” he motioned to the shower with empty shampoo bottles on the side. “you never remember - ever -.”

“hey - hey - baby, i’m sorry, why are you so pissed it’s the bathroom. what’s wrong, love.” he shifted his focus on the younger boy focusing in on his light brown eyes. worry across his face because of the sudden anger he never harbored. 

“just, it’s nothing, fuck can’t you do anything around here,” he pushed passed him. 

now he wished he was here even if it was just to yell at him about his bad habits. 

he could almost hear the sound of him turning the dial on the washing machine when he left the bathroom. hear the sound of the broom sweeping against the floor meticulously. hear him putting away the winter clothes deep in their new closet for the summer items. but it was cold all over again and now he had to get them alone. go through his things, smell him all over again, come face to face with the elephant in the room. 

he had to get clothes he couldn’t go any longer pulling from the 3 pairs of pants and 4 shirts he had in front of that door. but he would rather freeze to death than open up the closet door and have all of the emotions and feelings come tumbling back down onto him. the door struck fear in him whenever he made eye contact, like some looming black hole waiting to suck him in. 

he had done so well in his own eyes collecting himself that he knew seeing his memories, his clothes, his shoes, his photos, it would all go back to the first day. go through all of this all over again. missing him. he felt stupid for walking to the door and holding the cold knob as if he was holding his cold lover's hand. 

he wondered if the boxes were still in their place. 

“can you bring the ones labeled ‘crafts’ it should be just one or two boxes,” he said from the closet floor, they had moved in over 3 months ago but they were just now getting to some of the boxes. trying to organize things, move, and decorate while keeping their relationships and jobs was proving harder than they had expected considering the extra shifts they both picked up. 

he scurried into the kitchen checking each painstakingly placed label. finally picking up the “crafts” box and carrying it to the closet. they sat together for hours sorting each item he already had a special place for everything. each shirt, shoe, photo album, marker, had a place. 

it was dark when they were finished both of them sitting in the quiet of each other’s presence. 

“are you happy here?” 

he paused before he answered thinking long and hard before revealing how he felt. 

“you know that’s such a hard question. right now with you, i am so happy right here in this moment. i don’t want to escape this place, but happiness is temporary just like all of this,” he motioned to the shelves in front of them. “i think with you i will always be happy though, whether we are here, or in the old place, or even on the moon.” 

he wanted to be with him wherever he was, to be happy in that place. 

when he finally turned the handle and let the cooler air wash over him it felt oddly relieving. this would be the last step but he didn’t want them to be over. he didn’t want any last steps or any last anything with him. 

the shelves were still stacked neatly, clothes hung by color and style, boxes above labeled in his neat handwriting. the carpet below his feet was a comforting welcome when he stepped in. flipping the switch above the door frame illuminating the twinkling lights around the closet. 

this closet was probably as big as their bathroom. they had wanted it to be a secret hideout for when they wanted to disappear from the world or each other. he got the softest blankets, the plushiest pillows, a tiny shelf for their favorite books, small candles, and faux plants and created the coziest nook in their home. he had got glow in the dark stars and created constellations on the walls. sometimes they would lose track of time in there together just basking in the comfort and warmth of one another. 

he sat down on the floor pillow pulling his knees to his chest shrinking into himself as he did, it was much colder in here now, all alone and empty. he sat there just letting the tears that had been brimming his eyes finally overflow. his body shook maybe this was him finally accepting the fact that he wasn’t coming back. their secret spot was only his secret now, he had no one to share his space with, no one to hold, no one to laugh with, cry with, no one to tease, no one to love. his heart was empty and void. 

he didn’t want this to be who he was, he wanted everything back to the way it was. when his heart was so full and loud when he couldn't shut up about him. 

he used to piss his friends off talking about how much he loved him. 

“wait let me show you this picture, he is so cute.” he flashed his phone across the table showing the photo to his friends. 

“he looks really good. when did he get released?”

“two weeks ago, he’s been doing so much better though, i really think he’s going to stick with it this time. at least i hope. i know he hates meetings, and therapy but rightfully so he isn’t the best at his job. 

“how often are meetings and therapy?”

“he goes to group 3 times a week and therapy 4 times a week. i just- i’m really scared.”

“i know, but just support him that’s all you can do. don’t push him too open up to you just love him,” 

“i just don’t want to lose him.” 

maybe he should have pushed him. 

his tears were slower now, just pouring out like a flooding stream. why did this happen, how could he let this happen? how could he lose him? it was all his fault. he leaned his head against the bookshelf resting against it mulling over things he could have done differently. times like this in the past he would have been there, holding him, telling him everything was okay, that he shouldn’t blame himself. 

all he had was his past. everything he did in the future would be without him, and every time he thought, dreamed, remembered him it was from the past. he had no more future or present. 

what he wouldn’t give to hear his comforting voice. he remembers the texts he would get every night for 3 weeks after he left. the scheduled messages breaking his heart and putting it back together all at once. he read and reread the messages until his eyes were bloodshot and the words blurry. 

he pulled out his favorite book from the shelf. the cover was torn with age furled edges and folded down corners. 

Stargirl 

he had grown accustomed to seeing the book in his hands or his bag or the bedside table, he read it so much he bought him another copy. his older copy delicately on the shelf since he began toting the new one around with him. 

he flipped through the pages, reading his annotations before a piece of paper fell into his lap. he picked it up unfolding the crisp clean pages. this must have been one of the final notes he put in the book, it was too clean to be from earlier days. 

of course, it was from a legal pad perhaps his favorite form of writing material. 

my love,  
i knew you would find this, you always knew my favorite book. i don’t remember if you ever read it. i don’t think you did. but it was about a boy who has a porcupine tie collection and meets this girl, stargirl, she is unique and different in so many ways she is kind and brave, she sings everyone happy birthday, leaves change on the sidewalk for people to find, she is this almost strangely nonhuman girl. the boy dates stargirl but they break up after her inability to fit in at school. they go to the school dance and she brings the entire school together like something in the movies and then he never sees her again. she came and went almost like a figment of the imagination. i think you are porcupine tie boy, with your collection of sweater vests and cat figurines, and i always wanted to be stargirl but i don’t think i am kind, brave or inhuman enough. i guess in a way i am her since i am disappearing. but i don’t want you to stop collecting sweater vests or cat figurines just because i’m not there with you. i don’t want you to not shine because my lights went out. please don’t turn your lights out either. i always thought waking up next to you was some fever dream, this beautiful bunny boy who would stop at nothing to make me happy. i feel so sorry that i wouldn’t let you - that i couldn’t let you. i tried this time. i really did. all this pain was my own fault, i did this to myself and i’m sorry i did this to you. don’t be alone. please go out and drop change in the street, give the neighbors birthday cards, and feed the cats in front of the building. be a stargirl for me. please.

**Author's Note:**

> [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/silkysuh)
> 
> [ curious cat ](https://curiouscat.me/silkysuh)


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